Friday, April 25, 2008

Adieu Knob and Tube

Hello to both of you that still read me and heartfelt apologies for letting the better part of April slip away bunniless.

Its not that things have been busier than normal, they haven't, although there are days when Mr. Blackberry buzzes so often I wonder if I have some form of hip displasia.

Nor have I been away, I haven't. Unless you consider the Commute From Hell wherein I am on the road so long and so often I watch roadkill decompose.

No, its that I'm moving shortly, leaving the knob and tube palace and making ready for another colorful old joint to hang my shingle in. And I'm ambivalent about it all which is to say I have my head up my ass avoiding reality. Now though, I have to break down and face the corrugated, packing up the additional crap I've accumulated in the last two and a half years after my last might purge, purge again and move what's left.

Which will mysteriously but without fail be more.

How, I have no idea.

Stick around if you would. Both of you. Its not a new bunny, its just a whole bunch more adventures.

Some of which might involve electricity and plumbing. Although I'm hoping not at the same time.

Bunny on.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

After the Dust Has Settled

Just like New Year's Eve is amateur hour for drinkers, so is April 1st a wanna-be day for jokesters. Pros like myself sort of hang back and watch the kids play, knowing that the day before and days after, these saran toilet wrappers and packing peanut office fillers will be dilligently back at the spreadsheets looking for the latest accounting error that seems to have bankrupt Lichtenstein.

Nonetheless, the day exists not for naught and some good things, prank-wise come out of April Fool's day or Poisson D'Avril as they might say along the banks of the Seine just before they also summarily command you to donnez moi toute votre argent et ce montre la, toute de suite mauvaise touriste! So let's celebrate them; the top five April Fool's pranks known.

5) Pope for a day. Michel Beauharnois was wakened to white smoke pouring from a neighbor's chimney in April 1272, just outside of Paris. His wife sensed his morning grogginess and immediately exclaimed "isn't it wonderful, you've been elected pope!" Michel apparently believed her entire story, such as it was and spent the rest of the day harmlessly blessing the village. Of course, the excommunication of his least favorite brother in law and condemnation to be burnt at the stake later that afternoon put a quick end to the ruse. Not quite in time to save the brother in law, though.

4) False taking of Richmond. Confederate president Jefferson Davis apparently took his cook's ruse of "They done taken Richmond, it all over and we free" in 1864 a little too seriously. By day's end he had freed his slaves, incorporated them as majority shareholders in his plantation empire and when the real news caught up to him by 5.05 that afternoon he was almost done polishing Luther Holmes' last set of riding boots, now that the man was free not to cook for the old codger ever again.

3) Enron. Jeff Skilling and Ken Lay cooked up a plot to trade energy "futures" and "shares", really constructs of no value rather than engage in the business of power generation...uh. Never mind.

2) King of Laredo. Using a half dried bottle of White Out, friends of Tommy Cruspnagel of Texas convinced him that his genetic markers indicated a direct lineage to the 19th century monarch Lumile Uppsula of Middle Silesia. Cruspnagel declared a sovereign kingdom in territories formerly known as Under The Palms Trailer Court of Laredo, had the authorities of that lost part of Texas either deported across the street or in the case of the park manager "locked in the worst damn toilet in a single wide you can find" for a few hours. He, by the time Laredo SWAT caught up to him, had granted himself a divorce, levied 92% usage taxes on residents of the park he "kinda didn't favor" and had taken that "hot little divorcee Wanda" as his queen. It all ended rather badly.

1) Super Treasure Hunt. Using desktop publishing tools, friends of Bobby Rye of East Onk, Tennessee concocted a "decoded" Captain Morgan go for the gold Treasure Map. Stating that "to get the chest of pure gold bullion buried just a foot under lush lawn", Bobby would surely have to face down uniformed "Bullion Guards" and "all manner of physical and mechanical obstacle" in his quest. A fake GPS coordinate and handheld guide unit sent Bobby to the site where he indeed did get past guards, walls and other security devices. What he failed to do was tie his GPS data to a conventional map and address of 1600 Pennsyvania Ave. Bobby will be eligible for parole in 2098.

Bunny on.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Can I Get Mine With Extra Synergy?

Last year when I was working at MSP (medium sized publisher) or Mediocre Sports Publisher, take your pick, I expressed a degree of dissatisfaction with my position. In that for all the corporate clowning that was going on, I might as well pack it up, put on a suit and tie and do the real thing in corporate America.

And off I was whisked, Incredible Mr. Limpettesquely to the RBC (really big corporation) getting exactly what I had inadvertently wished for.

Gosh, I'd just as soon go dancing with Natalie Portman.


Nope. Still here in the cubicle by the window with all the empty cubicles around, not a one of which hold anyone human, much less Natalie Portman or even Scarlett Johannsen having a bad hair day.

So how are things at the RBC? Not that bad, all things considered but there are a few quirks around the place. For one thing, its a campus and a damn big one. Its fenced in so there are days I feel like one of the exhibits at the Wild Corporate Safari Drive Thru Theme Park. Sort of like snapping the antenna of the Lexus full of kids or peeing on the minivan's windshield as they pass by pointing, oohing and aaahing.

Then there are the information screens. These broadcast a loop of executives talking about the business, the product and whatever else they are told to talk about. Some hold up the new company theme on a flashcard-like sheet of paper. With the volume down though, these loops sort of look like kidnap victims quietly pleading for the ransom money and holding up cards of testimonials to the glorious cause of the Fourteenth of October People's Liberating Brigades of Bayonne. Like the food in the cafeteria hasn't been the same since they dropped lemon meringue pies for dessert so if you're not too busy could you send the SWAT team in?

Some housekeeping changes are being affected in one of the other offices. The entire hallway is being re-wallpapered with a lighter beige that contrasts to the darker beige carpet and to the off white ceiling panels. I can only guess a lot of white employees were disappearing into the background and getting run into.

If only Natalie Portman worked there...

Bunny on.

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