The Absolute Value of Colon

July 23, 2611
Jayson Blair Pavilion
Seton Hall University
New South Orange, New New Jersey

I have been puzzling over the equation for the better part of ten months now. Still uncertain of its absolute mathematical function, it defines the absolute value, but what does that absolute value represent and what secrets of 2010 does it unlock?

:

The colon is a value, an absolute something but I don't know what that something is. I feel like a modern Archimedes, lolling in a virtual bath puzzling over the same problem until I see the water's rise. Like Archimedes too, I am waiting for that surreptitous squirt of pee from a fellow bather. The one that woke the master up with howls of "why is the water warmed up?" and "look, the water rises, someone can only be goldening up our bath!!!" It wasn't until the tub was freed from bathers that Archimedes noted the precipitous drop in water level which brought his to the realization that you could proof gold by noting the offset of water volume against its absolute density. Either that or you could pee all over it and tell its true composition by noting how many would still pick up and pocket the wet coins.

Yet : still eludes me. Digital records of 2010 put : into series of equations which I can describe but cannot solve.

The absolute value of colon.

:( :)

The value of P, subject to the absolute value of colon.

:P :)

The absolute value of colon, set equal to the value of P, or perhaps where the value of P is meant to be solved for subject to the absolute value.

:) =P

And the addition of a radical...

:) =P ;)

Who's value can only be wildly guessed at.

The whole thing runs in harrowing circles and I lay awake nights letting the equations taunt me from five hundred years ago. I want to be credited for my work, for my discovery. Much like my former professor Newt Isaakson who after an apple rolled off of his desk and hit his foot, rediscovered the physics of adhesion.

"Damn that apple hurt. We should tape it down to the desk."

On the other hand, I don't want to be caught running down a blind alley the way Eisenstein over at New Princeton did, decoding E=Mc2 only to have the whole thing blow up in his face. "Clearly this was just some sort of primitive fireworks they cooked up back in the 20th century. Let's leave it alone."

No, I'm going to find that absolute value of Colon, subject to P's equality or not, if I have to consume my career doing so.

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