Saturday, March 06, 2010

How's by you, Comrade?

Hooray, hooray, the first of May! Outdoor fucking starts today!

There. If I've ever left an indelible impression, that's it and no other parade down Red Square will ever seem the same.

Forget diatribes about the old man's shorting out most of the east coast, putting up a Christmas tree, forget every airborne automotive stunt involving intentional acceleration. Memories are made up of vernal copulation.

May is still a ways away. But spring is right around the corner, despite Phil having prognosticated otherwise. Who can blame him? If I got dragged from a nice warm burrow with cable tv and an espresso bar every February and had my naked underbelly shown to the world of a thousand videocams and flashbulbs, I'd want revenge too. Can you blame an overfed rodent for pissing down a gloved hand and condemning them to another six weeks of morning galosh hunt?

Not only is spring close, daylight savings time is even closer. This is congress's fix for power savings, originally inspired by Ben Franklin's quest for candle savings. Didn't work then. Won't work now. See, Ben was in France and noted that if you turned clocks an hour later or earlier depending on the season, you could save candles for illumination on the way home since the sun would still be out. Worked over there because, well, it was France. Who the hell gets up at six in the morning besides prostitutes anyway? Kind of flopped in the colonies where we did actually get up at six and earlier because there was no Bastille to storm just before taking August off. Hadn't been built yet. Plus, we couldn't pronounce Versailles without alluding to chandlery.

So the extra sun we'll get scorched into our retinas on our evening commute home next week will be offset by-just as we were getting to the point of waking at dawn's first light-the pitch black cold morning we have to get up in again like January came around again just for the hell of it.

What will Congress think of next? Wait, don't encourage them. They might. I just carbon traded six briquettes for a Mickey Mantle rookie season card.

Bunny on.


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