Sunday, December 27, 2009

Remember, You Can Always Return It

Ok, so if you've been paying attention, Christmas has kinda come and gone. It was that turkey or ham flavored thing that whizzed past last weekend, no doubt while you were trying to shush Aunt Claire at charades.

Remember Aunt Claire? She's a little dotty, doesn't hear too well and the text editor in her brain needs a bit of defragging. Anyway, about two on Saturday, just after the twins have shown up, she mistakes "calling card" in the first "sounds like" round you're playing with the cousins so that the father in law doesn't prematurely begin to yell for dinner and Claire's certain that the word is cuningulus which of course she shouts repeatedly at the top of her leathery lungs.

Hope you had a good one and hope you got what you wanted. I really did mean to post my usual top ten hot Christmas toys about a week and a half ago. Its the one where I make fun of the real top ten Christmas toys and both of you readers wander the aisles of the local Mal-Wart looking for a Sir Pants A Lot action figure or a Fisher Price My L'il Shrinking Trust Fund.

Really I had. It was all laid out from the riffs on Zu Zu's Pets to a few pokes at Disney's Net Pal. But I was tempting the muses until the muses got tired of being tempted and struck back. As such, I was airline-bound and hotel-kept when usually at this time I would be surfing the web muttering things like "that would be a nice gift for me" and "I'd certainly appreciate that under the tree" and winking and nudging Thumper to no good effect.

So we'll miss a year and see you with the hot toys of 2010 which hopefully won't be fly-off-the-shelf items like "a job, finally, for my dad" and "end of the month without juggling too much." Instead, let's not tempt the muses, let's pop them in the tit and offer up the "Top Ten Hot Business Travel Gifts" of this year and years to come.

10) Self-extracting laptop: Because after taking off your shoes, belt, necktie, purse, rolling your socks into a clockwise ball if they're argyle, counter-clockwise if cotton, dumping the cellphone, blackberry, tape dispenser, antacids into trays and bowls, at least the laptop could pop out of its case on some sort of display shelf and not leave you with a shirtsleeve stuck in a zipper.

9) Pre-heated hotel room: Nothing like showing up in the Fargo Holiday Inn Express or Super Eight at ten thirty at night in January and have to stick a room key into a slot to activate power in the icebox before you jump into the sack only to slide off the sheets.

8) Likewise for rental cars: Why is it that the distance between meeting and restaurant in any climate favoring a space below freezing is exactly equal to the point the thermostat begins to open and release warmth into the cabin?

7) And while we're at the rental counter: Ok, so I've been too lazy to sign up for the "dash to your car" program that everybody offers but if we have to suffer in line, can we upgrade a few things? Namely, instead of offering upgrades at every page, can we please just get a few agents that announce "we're putting you in a cheap shitty car that you can return a quarter full, sound ok?" and suggest "you don't want all this tacked on insurance crap, now do you?" and can punch you out into your Hyundai Accident or KIA Killed In Action in seven minutes or less.

6) I don't give a crap about Flipper: So don't post his mug right next to the towels, trying to guilt me into drying off with a facecloth. Here's something really radical. If you insist on pulling down every cotton sheet to pamper yourself with you can pay a five dollar charge per item on top of your bill above and beyond one towel, one facecloth per person per room.

5) Charge this: The only in flight announcements I want to hear are "Please prepare for takeoff", "Kindly turn off your cellphones, Blackberrys, stop trying to pretend that the world will end if you don't get this one call. Sit back, relax and if you're texting by the time this announcement is over, one of the crew will legally punch you in the face", "We are preparing to land, please raise your seatbacks, return your traytops to their upright position and if you go for that text message one more time, a member of the crew will legally blacken your other eye." Do NOT interrupt my forty minutes of sleep from Chicago to Columbus with offers for your frequent flyer mile credit card with available cash transfers and low introductory interest rate offers or I WILL call the office from 35,000 feet.

4) You are limited to one carry-on piece, and one piece that can fit in the overhead. If your overhead piece won't fit there and you damn well know it won't, a member of the crew will allow your overhead luggage to ride in your seat and we'll stuff YOU up there for the duration. And don't expect in flight peanuts.

3) GPS that can read maps: Make decisions, that sort of thing. Not some disconnected, sexless robotic voices that remind me of ex-girlfriends that advise me to pull off on the ramp to my right then exit the left lane four hundred feet and six lanes of high speed traffic hence. Oh, and if you ever take me to an empty parking lot instead of the rental return counter at five thirty in the morning again, I'll back up over your happy ass in the crappy half full rental car with no insurance.

2) Wha-Fu? Can we find a Wi Fi operating system that doesn't dump its favorite settings and make you re-program back to epsedic every time you come across a new server?

1) I'm paying for this seat: After you've been strip searched for contraband jelly beans, snarfed down an Auntie Ann's Chili Express Sbarro Starbucks dashing to gate Q-365, boarded zone 16, can you at the very least occupy the doll-house-sized seat on the aisle you were assigned? That's not to say the plane was over-booked, that's to say the 235 pound donut sucker has gotten the middle seat next to you and is now spilling over into your seat cushion. You're very intimate with the left hand armrest. If you take up more space than should be allotted to a human being. That is to say if you flow over armrests and cascade into the seat cushions of others...

Pay for two seats. Don't like it? Take the bus. But if you routinely get sat alone at one side of a table for two, if you have a couch all to yourself, if your butt cheeks play dixie hanging over your bicycle seat and into your rear wheel spokes, well these are all nature's way, along with the flight crew slathering the door jambs with Crisco in hopes that they can push and pop you into the cabin like a happy little puss-filled zit and openly fret that you'll be able to get out the same way...of telling you you shouldn't have sucked down that second slice at the Duty Free. Now stay out of my seat. I've got forty minutes of sleep to Columbus and if they don't shill another credit card I might get there half awake.

Bunny on.


Blogger Johnny C. said...

All I could think about when you were describing these obese passengers clogging up the row of seats is how they breathe. The constant panting and catching of breath like they just ran a marathon. When in fact they just walked down the boarding ramp.

10:38 AM  

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