Thursday, June 04, 2009

Floor? This is the basement!

August 25, 2008

Dear Rex:

Although I've always valued your opinion as my broker, I feel that you're leading me into too much of an equities-only position and wonder if pulling back into more diversified bonds and cash might not be wise.

I keep hearing about the home market values sliding although I must say that rising prices still seem to be the norm and "flipping," "trading up" and "buying the dream" are still quite popular in my parts. My neighbors closed yesterday and sold seventeen minutes later at a 60% profit.

Well, maybe you're right.


Dear Bunny:

The average American home has appreciated 17,000% since 1985 and there's no end in sight. Sure, you hear about "tight credit" in the news but let me tell you that those reports are coming from somewhere else. I don't know where, but it ain't here. I've invested a large chunk of your portfolio into high yield mortgage backed securities. Looking forward to retiring at fifty?


September 20, 2008

Dear Rex:

Dunno. This "credit crunch" kind of worries me. I think we should pull out of the mortgage-backed securities 'cause mortgages are still too easy to get. I mean, come on, when I bought my first house I had to account for a dime I found in the street. This last place, I was on a "98.6 plan." Yep, they took my temperature and approved me for $300K. Trouble is, I don't want that much. I don't need to trade up. My friend Jim bought his dream home last June and for God's sakes, I don't begrudge him but the place is so big he hasn't seen his wife in a month. I remember that he has two kids but he's no longer sure. Where's the fun in that?

Ok, so Chrysler's undervalued by you. I guess you're right.


Dear Caus'

You may have noticed that the market's been a little unsettled lately. No cause for worry and you know that in the long run, equities is your best value.


October 1, 2008

Hey Rex:

Calling the market a little unsettled is like calling Charlie Manson occasionally grumpy. Ok, so we agreed to stake out a long term position and ride out the short term bumps but what do you suggest for this short term sheer drop to nowhere. Can we get away from equities and commodity futures and maybe invest in apocalypse futures. I hear they're real hot right now.


Dear Bunny:

Of course, Wall Street has always had its ups and downs. We know that and can advise you on how to chart the safest course in any storm.


November 15, 2008


The safest course in this storm may be praying to God almighty to pick me up off this ship. Ok, Lord, I'm sorry for hitting Shirley in fourth grade. I really didn't know how else to channel my pre-pubescent lust. And I apologize for mooning the neighbors the first time Patrick and I had three beers each. I thought you put the stuff on earth to prove that you loved us and wanted us to be happy? Oh, and taking your name in vain? Yeah, I've done a lot of that lately. Sorry.

Rex, I really think we need to talk about that GM buy.

Caustic Bunny

Dear Caustic Bunny:

Market uncertainty can be market opportunity if you know how to invest wisely in troubled times. Call me for an appointment.


February 12, 2009


Could you possibly send me a diagram showing which parts of the English language you don't comprehend? Let's start simple: "A" is for apple which we shall shortly both be selling. Circuit City is "hot hot hot?" What the "fuck fuck fuck" are you talking about??? I'm waiting for the bailout that bails out the bailout.

Caustic Freaking Bunny

Dear Mr. Bunny:

It has been a difficult time in the markets. Equities have lost, on average, 46% of their value. Bonds, given current pressures on the credit markets, are not a safe haven by any means. Regular bank accounts and certificates of deposit are not paying significant yield by any means but for our more cautious investor they do remain attractive given their FDIC backing.

In short, we live in perilous times where from day to day we can only be thankful that we are working and have means to provide for our families. As your broker I would advise you that it is now as always prudent to put aside some of that income to provide for you and your loved ones in the future and, God forbid, on that rainy day. May I suggest that we you develop a monthly budget and stick to it. I'm always available to speak to for investment, secured and otherwise, opportunities.

Personally, I hope that you are sleeping better lately and don't dream about that "Rex" fellow any more.

Best wishes,


ps. What is it you toss over your shoulder when you leave my office? Bunny on?


Blogger Kathryn said...


2:43 PM  

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