A Brush With Mediocrity

People I'm acquainted with, from college roomate to good friend to colleague to person who's blog I read regularly, are getting their books published with a frequency as alarming as births nine months after a wide scale blackout.

So reach out and feel what true mediocrity is like, touch this blog and know that a lot of my page views come on drunken Saturday nights when the munchies make you Google "Cantonese" but, like I said, you're drunk.

Roomate just got ink on a book about teaching the best business practices through storytelling. Shockingly simple, yet effective in its concept. And just as "Marley and Me" spawned a generation of "Here's my cute, lovable but stupid dog who dies" books, this tome will spawn its collection of hangers-on.

In fact, I tried my hand at one.

See Dick.

See Jane.

See Dick and Jane meeting awkwardly in the copy room, making eye contact, going out to dinner, furtively pawing at each other and unleashing an otherwise uncontrollable lust.

See Dick and Jane sneaking off to an abandoned cube to go at it.

See Dick and Jane get fired.

Now, what did we all learn here?

Good friend, a couple of years back, compiled a guy's guide to guy movies. It didn't do terribly well and I wish him luck with his latest on raising chickens and compost on the fire escape or some such thing. I always thought the guy's guide to guy movies was kind of poorly targeted, though well executed.

'Cause after all, we all know what we like to watch and why. We don't need (and aren't motivated since the Highlander marathon is on AMC) to read about it. I thought that maybe a Gal's Guide to Guy movies would do a little better on Amazon.

Not so much a guide to the movies, but rather the fairer sex's guide to how to behave through these classics on the rare occasion that we get to pick the pay per view.

Goldfinger: Moneypenny's a fine woman. But until she starts showing cleavage you might as well forget it. Also, she wants a warm, substantative relationship. This movie is for guys, remember?

Alien: EVERYBODY knows you're better equipped to ward off evil aliens in your underwear. That's just the way it is.

2001; A Space Odyssey: Ok, he's the next incarnation of man. Get it? Now stop asking me all these questions! It's one a.m. for God's sake!

Colleague wrote about his dog a few years back. I guess having a depressing ending was one hell of a hook.

And now, Anna has compiled something called "The Chicktionary". Its over on her blog so check it out. I did and read some sample entries to Thumper who almost peed herself. I guess its funny but here's the thing; being an XY chromasomatic compilation the whole thing is predictably lost on me. There's an entry about the nickname for the monthly period. I would have sooner written something thusly:

Monthly period: Run. Hide. Go to the garage and sleep there until next Tuesday for the love of life. Just stay out of the house.

Like I said, pink in my world is the color that happens when you put a bass in a blender.

But seriously, check it out. Good luck with it Anna.

Oh yes, I've got a book too, I'm just looking for enough stones to not flinch when a hundred agents snort milk out their nose before saying "no." Surprisingly its not funny at all but a story of what happens when you follow desire too far and it becomes something else.

And if that doesn't sell, I'm working on a compilation of all the fart jokes my buddies and I told each other when we were jogging.

Bunny on.