Monday, December 12, 2011

The Forbidden Seven, and Then Some...

From Yahoo Shopping today comes seven bad ideas for gifts this season which I've expanded so our Jewish friends can take full advantage of how not to fuck up eight nights in a row. Christian friends can also find favor in an expanded list, particularly if you're Catholic or LDS and have a lot of potential pitfall relatives on this year's list.

And if you're serving; Thank you. Find small comfort that you can always blame it on the post exchange only having it in XXL in green. But come on over if you don't like it, they've got an easy returns policy.

So here are some truly bad ideas.

Appliances-Nothing says "no sex until Easter" like a vacuum.

In a fit of practicality last year, Thumper asked for a pasta press attachment for our mixer and like a git, I bought it, forsaking the usual bauble that momentarily sends the bank balance creaking downwards like the Titanic in her death throes.

Not that it was a bad gift per se, but we've only managed to use it to wring out kitchen sponges so far.

Pets-Noun, not verb. You'll wind up giving a canary to a family of cat owners or a gerbil to a snake-fancier. Not to mention that lay away is awkward.

Gift Cards-The seemingly one size fits all innocuous gift card goes into the bad idea category when its to Ms. Alice's Erotic Delights or Yangs Special Chinese Massage Emporium. Just because it appeals to you.

Add to that, if the government picks it up, its probably a bad idea. So this year when your tax refund shows up as a redeemable gift card to the Kabul post exchange, you heard it here first. I'll take mine XXL, in green please.

Lingerie-Generally not a good idea for the office Secret Santa unless you think Ray, your boss, would look good in crimson crotchless.

Sweaters-Moaners and screamers. Always a superior choice.

Food Baskets-Peppery Ridge Farm summer sausage fondue and cheddar-marshmallow log packed in with jalapeno raspberry spread and a few crackers with the consistency of bleached sand dollars. Yeah, I get this one.

Jewelery You've Seen on a TV Commercial-Men! You know the truth! Any jewelery commercial where a guy gives a girl a sparkly something and she instantly melts only happens that once between those two people and can never be repeated. You simply cannot buy what's in the commercial. We are biologically doomed to trudge through every case in the store (including the confirmation crosses for some strange reason) at least three times until we find the thing we pray will:

i) not be a repeat of last year.

ii) not clash with everything else she has.

iii) not match anything in her wardrobe, so its off to the mall.

iv) not come close to anything you ever once gave to an ex girlfriend.

Complimentary memberships- Gym to a fat guy, zoo to a Peta-type, here are just too many assumptions in too small a place.

Tools-Nothing says "I'm going to be too tired for nooky until Easter" like a full set of plumber's wrenches. See "Appliances", above for hints.

Socks and Underwear-And here I'm solely focused on the parent. If you remotely assume that somehow you can pass off an ecomony pack of Fruit of the Loom as a seasonal offering...

You truly deserve to be boiled in your own pudding with a sprig of holly through your heart.

Bunny on.


Blogger Marcheline said...

Um... regarding appliances, it kind of depends on the appliance (heh). Case in point? Google "jimmyjane".

In other news, it's my birthday. Party at my blog - cocktail weenies and whiskey sours for all! 8-)

9:38 AM  
Blogger Anna Lefler said...

Any basket with a sausage in it scares me.

Happy holidays!



1:20 PM  
Blogger Johnny C. said...

I've only purchased one appliance for a girl and it was, you guessed it, a Kitchen Aid mixer. She was pretty psychotic and was obsessed with being a homemaker and/or a whore, so it worked out pretty well.

9:13 PM  

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