This Year Can We Just Cut to the Chase (A Gift Guide)

Nobody but nobody seems to have a comprehensive top ten list of Christmas toys this year and there sure as hell aren't any breakouts the way we've seen in past years.

Even Elmo is getting long in the tooth. When he first came out, you tickled him. Then you sang with him. Then you danced with him. Then you went camping or took Elmo to Grandma's. Tellingly, Sell Me Shoes Elmo says this franchise is milking its last drops.

What are Fijits? They look like little purple cockroaches. I'm not even going there.

Leap Pad Explorer tablets load up sports games, fun learning games, interactive activities onto a personal video screen so the kids can walk up and down streets and hallways intently staring at a 3 x 4 hunk of plastic and squeezing buttons with the fury of the possessed. In other words, Blackberry/Iphone/Ipad/Droid users in training. Five bucks says that in two years New York and California will ban texting while riding bikes or skateboarding unless you're Leap Padding handsfree.

Justin Bieber Tour Bus and sound stage. Parents, if you even consider gifting your children this hellspawn of all toys, I will have you jailed for abuse.

Lego Ninjago Lightning Dragon Battle. Try as I might, I just don't get this one. Wouldn't the dragon immolate and consume you before you even got around to sorting all the bricks out by color?

Lalaloopsy Silly Hair dolls. Why not? Play with them, play with their silly hair. Take them to the LalaPalooza silly concert.

Let's Rock Elmo
I am T Pain Microphone
Air Swimmers R/C inflatable Clownfish and/or Shark.

If you enjoy, as I do, the ritual Friday night martini, these might not be the best ideas in gifts to have around.

Bunny on.