Sunday, January 16, 2011

Bend Over and Smile

There's a certain relief, no matter how small, you feel when you've passed through the airport metal detector bereft of shoes, belt, coats and jackets and sweater...that nobody's tried to smuggle a suppository bomb on board an aircraft.

Yes, I've been airborne again. Not so much that I throw my shoes into a gray plastic bin before retiring at night, but enough to remember what a pain in the ass flying is. That said I've developed enough coping techniques to minimize the pain of the process. Wear slip on shoes checking in. Don't walk around with a piggy bank's worth of change in your pockets. Carry one small bag that you can stuff up a gnome's ass. That ensures it will fit into any overhead of any partially-engined air buggy they put you on. Keep your id close and keep moving.

Real small stuff that about ninety percent of anyone at an airport does NOT pay attention to. I've gotten to the point of believing that every fifth airport worker should have the disposition, lung capacity and ability to unleash of Sam Kinison. They'd keep the goobs moving along so that the rest of us could get to the plane on time.

For example:

You're allowed one small carry on and one small purse or briefcase that can fit under your seat. That's one small carry on, NOT THE REFRIDGERATOR YOU'RE WHEELING DOWN THE JETWAY, and one small purse, NOT THAT COW'S STOMACH-SIZED DUFFEL BAG THAT'S HOLDING ABOUT TWELVE GALLONS OF MOISTURIZING CREAM THAT SMELLS LIKE IT CAME FROM AN EMBALMER'S SUPPLY CATALOG!!!

and

We'll be boarding the aircraft by zones. Zone one passengers may now board. I see THAT YOU HAVE LOST THE ABILITY TO COUNT, EVEN TO FIVE. NOW LET ME SEE A HAND! JUST ONE HAND AND UNLESS YOU HIGH FIVED A CIRCULAR SAW SOMETIME BACK YOU'RE GOING TO BE HARD PRESSED TO PROVE YOU CAN'T COUNT TO FIVE!!!

Oh and if you use the electronic kiosks to print your boarding pass out, please swipe your credit card or passport and if you don't have either WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING GETTING ON THIS PLANE IN THE FIRST PLACE??? THE BUS TO FUCKING MOBILE BOARDS DOWNTOWN AND YOU CAN PAY WITH WESTERN UNION CASH!!!

Clearly I was behind the "I've never been to an airport in my life family" this weekend who despite leaving an hour and a half slack between the time I got to the rental car lot and the time the plane took off just made me on time by a hair because we're going to miss our terminal stop off the rental car shuttle bus by taking pictures and we're going to check in most of Mongolia at the ticketing counter and we'll have to disassemble a cotton gin we've got in our carry on before we go through security.

Gee, I hope they're flying to Chicago mid-week.

Bunny on.

3 Comments:

Blogger Ericka said...

"I hope they're flying to Chicago mid-week"

wth did we here in chicago do to you??

11:24 PM  
Blogger Thimbelle said...

LOL @ Ericka...

Sorry, old Bun. :( I still long for the days when flying was something worthy of dressing up for. Meals were served on actual dishes with real flatware. People *behaved* themselves.

I also remember when taking the train meant your own compartment, and dinner with crisp, white linens and real china. Train stations were grand palaces, full of interesting people, going to interesting places.

Now, travel has become a chore - a necessary evil. Air travel has become nearly the equivalent of taking the Greyhound... just faster, and with one extra toilet.

It's why I *drive* everywhere now.

2:54 PM  
Blogger amber g said...

Really I did not get this at all lol @Ericka

6:44 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home


visited 34 states (68%)