Seasonal Helpline

Hello, you've reached Santaclaus Corp. helpline. Your call and belief in a mythical elf with supernatual and hyperphysical properties is important to us, so please stay on the line. Your call will be answered in the order it was received.

Please listen carefully to the following selections: To ask Santa (a wholly owned trademark of Santaclaus Corp. with offices worldwide) for gifts for Christmas, please press 1. Speak slowly and clearly. Please be certain to provide your appropriate sizes. Punctuating your requests with additional requests for world peace will not advance you in line nor will it grant you particular recognition.

To cancel a gift request, press 2. Speak slowly and clearly and please try to get over the initial emotional tension of your little brother having decapitated all your Barbie dolls, Todd, the really cute guy in homeroom having asked your best friend Stacey out to the holiday dance or David having forgotten to make reservations this weekend at the hot new fusion grill. Please do not elaborate on the reason for the cancellation. We do not care. Simply state the item, the intended recipient and press pound to deliver. You are going to have to give David his CD collection back on your own time. Better yet, just chuck it into the river. We won't tell.

To request a less commercialized season, press 3 repeatedly. It won't do anything, but you might feel better.

If you would like to return the pony you received last Christmas because mommy's co-op board has finally gotten their shit together, press 4.

To change the size of a gift you recently received, press 5. Please state the item clearly, its size and its replacement size. Sorry, stating "Sweater, medium." and then "Sports car, red." will not work. Nice try though.

Press 6 for your two front teeth.

Press 7 for our loan service to cover orthodontist's bill.

To question the physics of Santa getting across the globe in one night, press 8. We've heard this one before too and will gladly explain how instantaneous deceleration does not cause complete tissue destruction in warm blooded mammals. Just remember you'll have to explain why you said what you said to the regional marketing director while drunk at the office holiday party.

For detailed toy assembly instructions and emergency batteries, press 9. For assistance in extracating whatever digits you've gotten stuck in "Madman's Thunder Mountain Tear Ass Car Chase and Garage". Hell, press 911. We only come once a year.

Thank you for calling.