Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Nightmare on Elm Street

In a world without right angles, you'll find this bad dream. Also known as the knob and tube palace.

Yes my humble abode is up for another ribbing, something I can only hope will shore up the foundation and relieve the downspout's perennial need to point permanently to Bayonne. I was fitting some crown molding in one of the studies the other afternoon. The one I installed a new wood floor in last year. The one the cat seems to enjoy flinging litter overpaw in and listening as little lumps of clay go skittering along the new floor like so many chicklets.

Now I didn't expect a ninety degree angle and I was richly rewarded. But what I further didn't expect is that the ceiling flares up in one corner of the room like some crazy airfoil. No level surfaces exist either, apparently. In fact, I'd presume that if you put a handful of marbles on the floor they'd demonstrate the concept of a centrifuge quite nicely.

So with winter coming and a few house projects planned, lets look at the room by room challenges, shall we?

Bedroom: This is the only room in the house that someone opted to use texture paint in. On the ceiling. The mottled surface seems to seek out all the dust in our zipcode and give it a nice easy place to hang out. Ditto that for spider webs, its like an arachnid trailer park. Just pull up, hook up and hang out. The door is missing to the closet and the replacement door I bought a few months ago is still setting next to the opening since it is about three inches off square. Oh and the windows are loose and rattle.

Kitchen: Don't get me started. The cabinets are finished in something that can only be called "1970's Turd" for a shade. The floor is anything but level, so it matches the rest of the house. The ugliest tile is attached with a glue so permanent that NASA is considering it to affix tiles to the shuttle. The countertops, like the upstairs ceiling, attracts stains from other states. If you set it to music, it will stain on my counter. Oh and the windows are loose and rattle.

Bathroom: This has to be the mother of all mistakes. The tub is fiberglass and either off white or so stained that it permanently looks bone colored. I'm opting for the former as I've scrubbed with solvents that could dissolve Buicks. The rest of the fixtures are of course, porcelain and pure white. What a match. The entire room is set on a sub floor that lifts the bathroom an inch higher than the rest of the rooms on the second floor. They've installed a handy ramp to ease the transition. The walls are raw plaster covered with some sort of adhesive contact paper meant to hermedically seal the room off. Or repel water off the walls. Or cover all surfaces in a color more resembling snot than anything else. I can't decide which. Oh and if the window doesn't loosen such that I can open it and air the room out next summer, I will blow it out of it's casement with a rocket launcher.

So my winter project is one of these three chambers of horror. I've devised a simple spin the bottle method of deciding which I'm going to tackle this year.

Too bad I drink box wine...

Bunny on.

3 Comments:

Blogger Ericka said...

given the leveling issue with the floors, the bottle is probably a bad idea anyway. it would hurtle across a floor and whack into a wall and then, before you could chose a room, you'd have to repair a wall. and that can take all winter.

i know they're a pain, but old houses are so much cooler than those soulless cookie cutter houses. :-)

7:53 PM  
Blogger Sis said...

I have a suggestion for the bathroom. If you could find a second-hand hot tub... You'd need to move the toilet and the sink but since you're planning a complete makeover...

9:13 PM  
Blogger Sis said...

Box wine...I knew you'd come around.

9:14 PM  

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