Monday, December 22, 2008

Dear Santa: How's that 401-K looking?

A little late this year my little bunny adherents but what is Christmas if you can't sit bolt upright at three am remembering young Adam, John, Janie or Ethel who will be by the house on Christmas day with their parents, your second cousins twice-removed from Irvington NJ. Haven't seen them since the kid was born (the cousin, not the offspring) so a gift for the little urchin is about as foremost in your mind as when is the next trash pickup after the 25th.

Nonetheless, they're on their way and you're going to be able to water the African violets with the well of tears the kid will come up with if you don't summarily come up with some brightly colored bundle of marketing savvy that he or she can lord over anyone else attending under the emotional age of eight which, at this time of the year, is all of us.

So never mind that your 401-K is more like a 201-K, the national debt and your home loan to equity ratio are about the same and the grocery store club card has revoked you as being uncreditworthy. Jump in the car now, sideswipe an SUV or two and get to your local toy emporium to check out:

Bunny's Top Ten Toys of 2008

1) Elmo Live: Really an ordinary Elmo, but you supply the abnormal brain and hang him off the second floor balcony in a lightning storm. If it all works, he'll be alive, alive I tell you and you can only hope that he'll give the little girl back the flower and drown himself in the well.

2) Kota, My Triceratops Dinosaur: This is not to be confused with Kyoto, my dinosaur treaty or Barney, my dinosaur congressional representative. No this toy is huge (sort of like Barney), interactive (not like Barney) and roars at your child when he or she talks to him. In other words, this toy ideally prepares your kid for their first parent in law.

3) Kid Tough Waterproof Digital Camera: Shoots delightful high resolution full color digital photos. What's more its rugged and waterproof which is what you wish you could say about your Canon Rebel at Lake Winnepesaukee, you loser!

4) Live Butterfly Garden: What other way to introduce your kids to the amazing process by which gypsy moths start as lawn eating larvae, morph to tree decimating caterpillars and then in a miracle of nature become live moths destined to die and clot most everyone's outdoor post lamp.

5) Eyeclops Night Vision: Clip this on, see everything out there on a moonless night and never be afraid of the dark again. However, when four year old Annie looks out her window and sees you, blazing single red eye clumping around the backyard bushes in the dark, you've guaranteed her years of therapy.

6) Fur Real Friends Biscuit: Looks like a dog, barks like a dog, walks like a dog, loves you like a dog. But at five a.m. when its time for a walk and a crap and a brush and a feeding, its just another battery-operated toy. Yee-hah! Battery operated fleas not included.

7) Wild Planet Hyper Dash: Exciting game where the object is to get to the finish line before we run out of everything.

8) Playskool Busy Ball Popper: Boys only, this ensures they get "fixed" young and you never have to worry about them hanging with trashy girls in their teens. Imagine your four year old ready for marriage and corporate America.

9) Nerf and Strike Vulcan: Shit, even I can't come up with anything for this. How bizarre is that?

10) Pleo the Robotic Dinosaur: Still a popular toy, it moves organically (as opposed to chemically induced, in my case) explores its environment (hey look, beer and chips!) interacts with you and expresses emotions based on life experiences. In other words, this this is like what you expected in an ex-wife (in the former) and what you eventually got in an ex-wife (in the latter.)

Not to be too cynical on the latter but really guys, do you want a toy that learns? No no no no no no no no. In my youth, you could chuck GI Joe off into a corner and he'd just kind of hang, scar and straight eyed until you came back from checking out Daddy's "secret magazine" library. Uh huh, I thought not.

Best wishes of the season, or to paraphrase;

And I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight, "Goddam it Vixen, would you bear to the right?"

Merry Christmas.

Bunny on.


Blogger Ericka said...

i like your toys better. ;-)

merry christmas to you and yours!

1:47 AM  

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