Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Yo Yo's Still Represent an Outstanding Investment

5.40 am: In overnight trading, Asian markets took a four percent loss when rumors of a Ahi Tuna shortage at Lou Takahashi's in Tokyo's financial district spread on the trading floor. Hong Kong shares dropped significantly when a Wal-Mart in Redding, California did not issue rain checks on sale merchandise for the first time in its history. South Korean shares nose-dived just to piss off the north.

6:30 am: European shares are mixed with France's Kakk up on rumors of a new mistress for French president Sarkozy. Paper futures are particularly high as tabloids scramble for extra editions to capture his elaborate facial denials while soft pornography books surely have a nude photo of her somehow, somewhere.

Frankfurt's DAX stayed down on the news but shares retained most of their value as the exchange realized that the rest of the world wasn't having any fun either.

6:36 am: France tanks on speculation that the girlfriend is German. Frankfurt plunges at the thought of a wry smile. English gold stays bright and shiny.

8:10 am: Dow futures point up when Bernanke points out that Greenspan has in fact been hiding behind his commode for the last month. With a majority of mortgages under water resulting from houses having been pushed into a lake to hide from the bank, individual hedge funds are now fleeing towards quality and investing in Bernie Mac. The bottom falls out when the actor is remembered to have been dead for months. Nasdaq futures tank when fond reminiscences of seventies television is misunderstood and "Fonzie" is interpreted as "Ponzi."

8:45 am: European shares recover slightly when Gordon Brown finds some old carnival money in a biscuit jar at 10 Downing. Range Rover's cash flow for November is assured. The Euro stabilizes when it is announced that while Italy must have an exchange somewhere, no one really knows nor cares.

9:15 am: Dow futures plunge when Rick Wagoner announces the "Roger and Me" into the Saturn product line. Alan Greenspan emerging from behind his commode further depresses the trading outlook. He is reported to be irrationally exuberant.

9:55 am: The first trade of the day is a rookie Roger Clemens Fleer card for a Topps "Oil Can" Boyd. The market stays at negative forty seven.

10:36 am: The anticipated Federal Reserve short term rate cut of 1/2 percent is announced to be a full basis point. The interbank lending rate is four turnips and a cup of broth. Markets rally and the Dow is up 678 points.

10:42 am: The Dow gives back the rally and eighty seven basis points just because Christmas is coming and you know what they say about giving and receiving. Index stands at 8108 which is a nice number in a lot of people's eyes.

11:45 am: Rumors of a Bank of America collapse prompt Congress to pump an additional 10 billionjillion into the financial sector out of what they can wring out of TARP08. Rumors lead to the reality that the collapse was just an over-reporting of a square of shingles falling off a branch in Macon Georgia that was being laid over. B of A announces a thousand layoffs to squelch reports.

12:07 pm: Tuna on rye proclaimed delicious by Robin Mertz, floor trader, Dow up 142.

1:32 pm: Warren Buffett believed to have been seen driving by in a taxicab, Dow rallies 12,000 plus points. An individual investor is quoted by Barron's to have said "I've lost some but I'm waiting this out until good times return." is proclaimed the son of God by some.

2:15 pm: Dow plummets to its lowest point since they first carved their initials into the buttonwood tree on reports of the taxi having gone to the airport. "Remember the day traders!" resounds on the floor of the exchange as seatholders launch a brave but vain campaign for the exits.

3:55 pm: Dow still in negative territory when early reports of a federal bailout of the auto industry are confirmed to only be a positive test drive experience in a Chrysler by an under-under secretary of agriculture.

4:15 pm: Dow up slightly on rumors of Greenspan back behind commode. Bernanke wonders out loud why he didn't become an orthodontist like his mother wished he would. Credit markets continue to remain tight and playing "Buddy can you spare a dime" remains contigent on scores in the 700's. Rhode Island sells Rhode Island to make up its budget shortfall and oil drops below a handful of camel dung on the world market.

4:45 pm: At the close a late day rally pushes the Dow above where it stood this same day in 1995 on speculation of a new Starbuck's opening just down the street. Asian futures are down as they got their last cup at Dunkin' Donuts because the milk and sugar is already put in for them.

Bunny on.


Blogger Sis said...

Your cerebrum dances to wondrous waves...

10:27 PM  

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