Thursday, August 09, 2007

Bizarre History

In the German general election of 1933, the voters chose a little known Adolf Hitler as chancellor of the republic. His party was the National Socialist, German Workers, Lorry Drivers, Cattle Drayers and If You'll Vote for Us, We'll Mention You in the Credits. They ran to rebuild the nation shattered by defeat in the Great War and to admit that, for all their pretense, the French could indeed turn a gnarly souffle.

The NSDAFT, or "Knahwzies" to the Chancellor of the Exchequer promised "an end to reparations, a return of national honor, a land rendered politically in two, bombed to the stone age and set competely afire" all within the astonishing period of ten years. Further, they stated that, if elected to a simple majority in the Reichstag, they would eradicate the concept of simple majority along with half the population of Europe and shame Germans with their crimes for the duration of modern history.

The people, excited about an end to reparations, elected them and their leader.

Re-armarment of the German nation began during the last exit poll before the election was declared final. Nazi operatives handed out clubs stating; "Here, you're going to need this for the Belgians." In retrospect, it is remarkable that other nations did not react more strongly to the open developement of weapons with such names as "Bloody British Bashing Tanks", "Untersee und American Shipping Destruction Booten" and "V Rocket for Places that Have Yet to Piss Us Off." War was on the horizon but the League of Nations continued to debate the composition of the furniture polish used on the large conference table, the one where the drinks were served every day after five p.m. GMT.

In 1938, Czechoslovakia was annexed as "Lebensraum" or translated "A place to put the lawn mower and camping trailer when we're not using it." The newly formed allies, united in finding a good place to hide for a few years until all this blows over, thought they had appeased Hitler. The Fuhrer (German: asshole at the head of the table) had promised to end his quest for territory and name the place something more easily spelled.

They were wrong and he lied about the spelling part too.

Open war finally began on September 1st, 1939 with the German invasion of Poland. Claiming that "we forgot a Kubelwagen when they created the Polish corridor and are only going to fetch it back with this tank" the Germans stole across the border and were soon shelling threatening legions of WWI era biplanes, cavalry and any odd Dragoons they could find.

Other countries followed. Belgium was conquered, the Netherlands and France. Austria volunteered conquest under the "lost cause" clause of their hastily drawn up constitution. Thereafter followed a relatively quiet period known as the "Sitzkrieg." However, hostilities flared up again in 1940 as Goering's Luftwaffe launched the "Blitzkrieg" or "Lightning War" against England where the action was more popularly known as the "This Shits Krieg" which is self-explanatory.

The Luftwaffe strangely abandoned active engagement with R.A.F. forces during the Blitz, preferring a full scale bombardment of Cities, pubs, restaurants, beer gardens and other social centers that had refused the portly Goering admission in peacetime owing to his reputation for comsuming most of the food stocks of the week. This strategy did of course not work from a military strategic point of view. R.A.F. fighter planes continued to harass German bombers and even London experienced only brief spot shortages of blood pudding and other delicacies, the English smuggling cold cuts into the city in the tube.

Hitler eventually abandoned "Operation Sea Lion" or the invasion of England claiming that "Welch is much too hard for our occupation troops to learn anyway" and turned his attention to the east. Although Nazi Germany had signed a "Non-Agression" treaty with the Soviet Union, Hitler superceded the document with a "Just Kidding" treaty he negotiated with his foreign minister in the office just down the hall. "Operation Barbarossa" went into effect in 1941 with the invasion of the Soviet Union. Proudly launched with the codewords "Napoleon who?" the invasion met stiff resistance when the Russian population realized that German plans for conquest of their nation would suck just a little bit more than Stalinism.

The tide of war was turning and even the most elaborate cinematic tricks of Leni Riefenstahl could not mask the allied bombers in the background at Party Rally days. Retreats were strategic and measured; from a citie's core back to the suburbs, then to the outskirts, then back across the German border then to the living room with a fall back position of the kitchen. When retreating armies from the west had been pushed back to the eastern front and eastern armies to the western front even the most senior generals had to admit that things no longer looked so good.

In the final capitulation, Hitler committed suicide along with his mistress and dog. Raving that "no pooch of mine will eat of this Bolshevist kibble" he killed the animal. Himmler and Goebbles also took their own lives but Goering, Bormann, Von Ribbentrop and Speer preferred to sneak out of the bunker under cover of dark. Wearing sweater vests and thick glasses, they claimed to be the lost chess club of 1936. The ruse failed when Goering claimed that if he was ever in checkmate he could be called "Meyer."

With the war over, the German nation went back to the business of starving and complaining quietly about the neighbors next door. However, the nation emerged in the 1950's as an "economic miracle" exemplified by the Volkswagen, a car that sold millions simply because people were curious if a silly looking vehicle like it would actually run.

Reunification of the two Germanies came in 1991 with the passage of the constitutional ammendment that, no matter who was running, no one was allowed to vote without actually fully reading, understanding and passing a short quiz on having read the fine print.


Blogger Johnny C. said...

I'm thinking Americans should have to take that quiz as well.

8:34 AM  

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