Quickly Backwards Please

Took a few years off my life this weekend.

Didn't smoke them.

Didn't drive in Boston.

Didn't find a new, younger woman. Although, if you're out there...

Nope, even though the last road race accurately recorded my address and sex, they erred in my age of 36. I wish. I'd still stand a chance. Nope, try adding eight years and you're there. Didn't run so fast that time moved backwards.

This weekend though, I was 12. All weekend long. Yep. You guessed it. Mom came to visit. Strap wooden blocks to my feet so I can drive and wipe my nose with nothing but a sleeve, I was back in the day when when light blue cords, new keds and some sort of collared velour top with a peace sign for a zipper fob was the latest fashion statement I could aspire to. And that statement was: "I don't buy my own clothing."

I do now. Brooks Brothers I'll have you know. Drive a car. Its paid for. Dutifully pay the mortgage on the knob and tube once a month and I've been known to date adult women.

This, of course, all melts away the moment she gets off the bus and wipes whatever it is she sees off the corner of your mouth. Thank the gods she didn't spit in her handkerchief. The old man did that to wipe my face and I'm convinced, polish chrome.

Nope, I'm back to being an annoying little shit that she pays for as we go to any commercial establishment. Almost chronically. I can't pick up a loaf of bread before she rushes over and says "I'll get that for you."

No. I'm really ok for cocktail wieners right now. You caught me in a morbid moment.

Mom is from New England. A small town near Providence. If you linger near her for more than 37 seconds, or ask her for the time of day, she'll tell you where she's from, how long she's lived there and what's on sale at the local Stop 'n' Shop. Oh, and that's my son over there, cowering behind the cocktail olives. Here's his complete history...

I'm surprised the phone hasn't rung yet. "Hi, you don't know me but I was on the southbound bus from Providence the other day and heard you're single and not dating."

Wouldn't hang up right away.