Cheetahs Prosper

Hello?
Is this Onstar?
No.
OK, that's good. I've a bit of an issue with Onstar.
How's that?
Well, you know how they email you stuff about your car? You know, "Change your oil" or "check engine."
Yeah. You got one of those.
I did. It just said "ugly color."
So you called? Why?
It's Cheetah's birthday.
Who?Cheetah?The cat?
The chimp.
There's a chimp named cheetah?
Yeah. He was Tarzan's companion.
I thought Jane was.
She was. Cheetah was his sidekick. The world wasn't ready for Brokeback Jungle yet.
Like Tonto?
Brokeback or sidekick?
Sidekick. I don't want to know about what they did on the open range. Look, I grant you its lonely out there but haven' t they heard about masturbation? I mean geez, am I gonna have to worry about my next fishing trip?
Probably not. Anyway, its his birthday.
The cheetah?
Cheetah the chimpanzee. That's his stage name. Its really Murray.
You've got a cheetah named Murray?No, there's a chimp named Murray who played Cheetah on the Tarzan show. He's from Brighton Beach originally. Was doing a little musical number when the Tarzan show rolled into town.
How often does that happen? Is he Jewish?
From Brighton Beach? You meshuggena if he isn't.
How did he manage?
It wasn't easy. Anti semitism was running wild in, uh, the wild back then. Especially amongst the simians.
Isn't that the way it always is?
And keeping two sets of dishes? In a jungle canopy? The guy had guts. I'll say that. still does.
But the accent? I mean, from Brighton Beach and all.
Diction school. Even the lions had to go. They had the heaviest Kenyan lilt. Nobody knew what they were talking about until they ate a cameraman.
How old is he?
Seventy four.
Still married?
She drives him insane, he says, but yeah, he and Anita still have the condo in Weehauken.
Near the tunnel?
Fumes don't bother him, funny enough.
So what'd he do for his birthday?
Had a diet Coke and some bananas.
He's gone all mellow.
Jersey will do that to you.