Saturday, August 06, 2005

Now is the time on Bunny when we RANT

I had this friend, let's call her Colleen because there's an elegance and beauty to that name and that's what her parents had called her.

She and I used to meet for coffee from time to time. We'd talk. She liked my take on the world because I think it was generally as cynical as hers was but could be spun into humorous observations issued forth in Kinnisonesque screams that we called Rants.

A rant was a stream of invective that basically pulled apart current reality in a "what the F?" sense of is this really something we need to take seriously in our lives?

Rants usually went after the latest operating systems, software upgrades or email protocols. Things purported to speed our day, increase our efficiency and make our lives better that usually wound up as so much T-1 line spun around our ankles with an endless stream of operating error messages scrolling across the failing GUI. Yea, I feel more freaking efficient already. Gimme that brick will you?

Today I am back in the office for a few hours of catchup work after being on the road for the better part of the week. Now I was promised a hardware upgrade months ago and was told that all the installers needed was a couple of free hours to put the whole box in. So let us know when you'll be out. OK, I did. Three days of abjectly unoccupied office later, I am back not to a ported laptop but a bunch of freaking unplugged cables around a broken VDT terminal and my pet plastic lizard in missing! Not only that but I know come Monday fucking morning, IT elves will NOT have put a functioning computer where there is a square dustless space now! So what is the acronym for IT around here??? Idiot Training? Or is the SH silent in our IT?

Quick dash down to the bank before my account winds up next to Thomas' fine dinosaur on Boing Boing! If I were more freaking astute, nay, if I had the time to read someone's email entitled "linkey links" I would have taught myself how to link that last title to Artlad's page. Of course that would assume A FUNCTIONING COMPUTER and I don't want to do it at home where we are so far out in the country that the freaking ISP is wood powered. Throw another log on the server, it's cold in here!!

On the way to the bank I pass the plastic carpet wholesaler. This is the guy who had a letter billboard out front that he used to paste his favorite jokes on like sick hokey humor would give rise to uncontrolled urges for deep wall to wall pile. Don't laugh too hard here, somebody has probably tested this for causality and correlation and has a better relationship with his girlfriend than I'll ever hope for.

So anyway, Plastic carpet wholesaler has replaced his hang up individual letters to spell out police- station-robbed-of-toilet-cops-have-nothing-to-go-on board with, get this, a scrolling electronic billboard!

Great, he and the little old lady at CVS who just bought the musical freaking birthday card now have more computing power than I do and incidentally they didn't get called into the "review strategic objectives" meeting on Monday, I did!!

What the, what the?? I'm working off my staffer's terminal now, the one who has the keyboard position locked at a ninety degree angle to your lap. Explains a lot about her posture and her aptitude at darts.

Plus I still don't know where the plastic lizard is. Oh and did I mention the note tacked to the busted VDT from my boss: "We have to get the specification report out first thing Monday?" OK, you grab the quills, I'm here with the inkpot and parchment! Let's rock 'cause there ain't gonna be no Intel supported processing here until at least ten when the system support rolls in after a long bender of a weekend.

Other than that, things are fine. Voicemail still takes so many keypunches in to get your message from a cellphone while driving you might as well just steer into opposing traffic and eliminate the middleman.

That is of course after you've stopped at the West Virginia Welcome Center (thanks for a'comin, now git on yer knees an' squeal like a pig) to confirm that, yessiree Bob, something left on our interstate system has torn out most of your wheelwell. That would be my expired warranty we just passed, yes.

Gee I can't wait until Monday! Not that hanging around a house full of half packed moving boxes is anything I'd ever say no to. Just that the full blossoming joy of having two and a half days to catch up before I put my cottontailed ass on another plane for another state where the hottest conversation subject is still somebody sneaking the word "twat" onto this year's high school yearbook and that happened in '02!

I tried anagramming "stressed out" but only came up with spelling my name. Go figure.

So there you go, there you have it, that's all there is. Clever links are coming, more posts are on the way and MM, don't let Thomas read this until he's much older.

Bunny this!


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