What's Under Your Tree?

No sooner have the Hallowe'en lights come down and the last Jack O'Lantern been mashed onto old man Hammerstein's front stoop than a trickle of greedy foam appears at the corner of the mall manager's mouth and the first garlands of Christmas go flying up onto the rafters at the Shop and Spend emporium at the edge of town.

Yes, the spending season is coming upon us like a troll with a nasty hangover and soon the stores will be filled with fathers, mouths agape wondering just what an iZ is and why iZn't it in stock. Mothers will have their hands full corralling sticky fingered bleating youth who want that and that and that and two of them and can she even get one of the others once eighty percent of the family budget has filled the car up?

If you've figured out that I regard the Christmas and associated Holiday season like a Sorority party for Virgin House that you get looped into and you've got another four hours of playing bob for apples with girls who think that scrap books are "neat" and you hold your head under water just a little too long and figure inhale once, how much can it hurt? You'd be right.

Anything that wanders so far off its original intent such that it crawls into the back aisles of Kmart like a python on acid somewhere in early September and shakes you loose in the first week of February like a pit-bull's gravy and slobber covered chew toy ought to attract the attention of the strictest governmental regulatory agency known.

We've protected fish parasites under lesser circumstances.

Nevertheless, the game is on again and we all have to play it. In the spirit of public service and the fervent hope that I can get in and out of the local temple of commerce with that one special something for that one special someone (in this case, me) within 16 hours and not have to wait in a line that looks like Bataan item returns, I present:

Bunny's Guide to the Top Ten Toys:

Black Belt's Karate Home Studio: A successful branding of Black Belt, the sheriff in Blazing Saddles I think, this playset includes a safety floor mat, pyjamas, belts of various colors and an assortment of bandages. We used to call this "Beating Up Your Little Brother" but never discount the power of boxing something at Wal-Mart.

Dora's Talking Kitchen: Non-working stove, refridgerator and microwave that talks. Push a button and she says "We haven't been out in ages." and "After the day I've had, you think I have energy to cook." Dora was a lot more fun in college, wasn't she?

Fly Wheels Assortment: Inspired by the 1986 Yugo, this delightful collection of cast off aftermarket hubcaps is good for hours of play. Especially as a striking impliment in the Karate Home Studio.

Furby: Mutant talking amalgam of cute animals, you may want to put this away if you're going to hit the Christmas party scene a little too hard this year.

I Dog: Asimov's toy. When man's best friend breaks the cardinal law and whizzes in your slippers with impunity.

Iz: Thiz Izn't. Wait until after the holidaz when idz on zale.

Leapster L Max Learning System: A chip based keyboard and display teaching tool that instructs your children in basic spelling, math and geography. Will replace public schools in 2009.

The Magnetix World: Mr. and Mrs. Magnetix in the Magnetix Play House with Billy and Susie Magnetix. Billy is gay but in the closet, Susie is interested in some far eastern cult, the Magnetix dog has just crapped in the den and Mr. and Mrs. are wondering how long they can keep up a happy magnetix front for the kids.

Pixel Chix: Just a re-issue of Barbie's cast off friends from the '70's. Chipper, Scooter, Tammy and Sandra Day O'Conner.

Shell Shocker: A toy gas pump actually.

V Cam Pocket: Its video. Its a camera. Its small enough to carry. Its an eccentric actuating lever. It saves you money while your children dance to it. Available in orange or cherry.

V Smile: Virtual happiness for kids who's Prozac scrip has run out.

V-2: The "Secret Present" that will win the season. Available from Penemunde Playthings.

V Can All Get Through This Together: Smile. Laugh. Do something nice for someone you don't even know. Walk a little slower and listen to the wind in the trees. Its all good.

Bunny on.