Thursday, September 08, 2005

Just Silly For Denise

A good friend of mine needs some plain and simple silliness to counteract the fact that she has two significant story deadlines looming.

A cry for help to which Bunnyman, protector of Levity everywhere, is glad to respond to. Let me put on my flying ears, my atomic tail and ensure there's not a nine foot strip of toilet paper sticking to my super bunny boots. I hate when that happens!

Flying through the air with the greatest of ease I'm likely to lose lunch because I get really airsick really easy. I once blew chow in an aircraft cockpit which was doubly embarrassing because I was flying the thing. No folks, in these large furry ears is an imbalance that would make the tilt-a-whirl seem like a sedate afternoon jaunt in the park.

So posting this I turn my computer on and plug into my local ISP. I'm almost embarrassed but I have to admit I still use dialup technology to tap into the net. That's gotten better since I've moved into town. I used to live so far in the boonies that the modem icon was a Bell system operator turning a crank. The best I could manage on a good day was 32-35 bps. Now I can tap in at 50-52 bps but here's the catch. It's a crapshoot and some days you lose big. As an example, I'm running 28 bps and expect to click the "Post" button when I am done, compose a moderately long opera and come back to check out the blog site.

Sure I could get DSL for super fast connections blah blah blah but let's face it, that's really just an excuse for speedy porn downloads before the wife notices or worse yet online gaming so you have a hope in hell of beating sonny boy at Mutant Urban Hunter 3: This time its serious.

Here's a hint: Try chess. Its always fun to watch a nine year old brain fold in on itself.

I've finally broken down and opened the coffee maker. At this point there is enough styrofoam to float the house. There are also setup and user's manual instructions that rival "War and Peace." But I've cracked the code and tomorrow at six there will either be a hot pot of coffee waiting for me brewed extra strong or I will have the fire department in for early s'mores.

Finally, here's the silliness I promised her. Something that used to show up in office email when we were kicking around because shipping on time was too easy: Yes, it's the slightly altered best seller list.

1: The Da Vinci Code Solved: A murder happens in a foreign capital and everyone seems to speak in code. If only Lance can crack...wait, it's French. Read on and watch a nation capitulate rather than solve the case.

2: Harry Potter and the Amazing Sight of Your Child Reading a Book and Sitting Still for a Whole Hour: Witchcraft and magic are at play here.

3: Five People You Consciously Avoid in Heaven: Reverend Balsam, who's change plate you dumped buttons into most Sundays, Aunt Gert and the Christmas mittens you gave the dog as chew toys, Louie the handicapped kid who you dolled up as a circus clown for Halloween even though it was really August, your sophomore college roomate and the stain you brazenly lied about plus the better angel of your nature whom you kept locked in a closet with an MTV loop all these years.

4: Blink: If you read too fast, you'll miss this light little business book.

5: Who Moved My Fuckin' Cheese!!!: The office bully figures it out and you hope building services has fixed the lock on the men's room.

6: 1976: A historical recollection of how perilously close the nation came to disintegrating after 200 years had polyester and disco had a more significant impact.

7: Un-Natural Cures Nobody Wants You to Know About: There's a reason Macbeth opened with the witches for frightening effect.

8: Tuesdays with Murray: Canasta and bridge until the old guy himself can't take it anymore and gets up to watch Oprah.

9: The Pointless, Aimless Life: Just for a week or so to relax because you've driven yourself mad purposefully.

10: The South Bronx Diet: Hey, Fatass, lose a few. Gotta put Crisco on the door jambs just to make sure you can get from the bedroom to the fuckin' can!

Good luck with the interviews.


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Blogger Kathryn said...

I can hear that archaic dial-up tune as I read this --- even my parents, out in the sticks that are the eastern townships have high-speed DSL for cripes sake!!!

so, coffee or s'mores?

12:06 PM  
Blogger The Caustic Bunny said...


I resist but am far from incompetent.

Watch what you say 'bout les Cantons de L'Est.


12:40 PM  
Anonymous Constant Weeder said...

Thank you, Bun, I feel better already.

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